The new generation

Was shocked by DD the other day ... she wanted to wear a halter top dress to go visit grandma - to which, of course, I put my foot down unless she wore a suitable T under it. When she complained that she never gets to wear her "fun" dress, I suggested she wear it to the end of year school disco. She wheeled on me with huge, scandalized eyes. "What???? Wear a DRESS to a disco???". Am I so out of touch? But then again, I vaguely remember looking at women wearing dresses when I was clubbing in my early twenties and feeling sorry for them, thinking they looked so out of place. I guess that's me now.

Trolley envy

I'm sure others do this as well - peek into fellow shoppers' cart and either smile indulgently with total self-righteousness when I see crisps, white bread, cold cuts, soda .... and immediately wipe the smile off my smug face when I turn to the next one and see the ingredients for making cannelloni - from scratch and using all-organic stuff. I guess I'm in the middle. Yes, loads of green stuff, not so many canned things (really, only beans and tomatoes), and everything wholemeal :) Now, if I can get just half of it into the kids' mouth, I'd really have no more trolley envy.

So much for new actions ...

... meanwhile, seven months later - the day before the birthday. Can't even say *my* birthday - it's the birthday. Perhaps if I disassociate myself enough, the years will stop piling on.

I am so incredibly depressed, and can't quite put my finger on it. Can't be the birthday (see, I'm getting good at this disassociation thing). I usually like the sense of starting again, gifts and being the centre of attention. I know I'm stressed about stressing DH about getting me a present I would like. He tried so valiantly this morning to talk me into going out tonight. What for, methinks.

I'm at the right weight, still can fit into everything, job is fine, everything is fine. May be that's the problem. May be I thrive on ups and downs, and can't manage a normal, straight line moderated life. I just have this sense of having missed my chance (like turning down the higher paying job with the tons more holidays), didn't follow through (like leaving all my hobbies behind), and have isolated myself - whatever happened to having girlfriends you could do girly things with?

On top of all this, is this general apathy and lack of energy. I don't know who ate up all my optimism. May be I spent it all and you only get so much in a lifetime. Always being the one to force others to see the positive side is taking its toll. What is so positive about turning 46? And what is so positive about staying in a job fraught with psychological warfare that gives no respite ever - not at night nor weekends? All this because I have made myself personally responsible for rescuing my surroundings from the depths of cynicism and turn everyone into happy elves who live in hug-land.

Four new actions - revisited

• weight lifting (so I'm toned)
• pain
• boredom
• have to get up early
• can't chill at end of day if I go to gym
• pleasure of not doing
• get to sleep in
• get to chill at end day
• pleasure if I do it
• toned body
• sense of well being
• feeling in control
• feeling like I can follow through
• clears my head and is stress reliever
• would get to eat more as will be burning more
• sense of accomplishment
• calling abo and isha
• pain
• dealing with why didn't call before
• dealing with having to do it regularly
• might ask me to do something I don't want to do
• not sure I want them in my life
• pleasure of not doing
• get to ignore it
• not dealing with them and probable guilt trip
  
• pleasure
• i know they would be so happy if I did call
• getting rid of guilt
• knowing I'm helping them
• being a responsible attentive offspring / niece
• cooking vegetables in more interesting ways for my kids
• pain
• don't know how and hate to confront that
• kids might not eat it - rejection
• time it takes to do
• dealing with DH when have to throw it out
• might turn out yucky
• pleasure of not doing
• saving time - chilling out at end of day
• pleasure
• introducing kids to good cooking
• having my family eat healthy foods
• having variety in our meals
• adding another skill to my repertoire
• adding to my quest for superwoman status
• introducing scrum/agile properly to my team
• pain
• resistance of team
• getting yelled at by boss
• might be rejected
• might be viewed as failure
• pleasure of not doing
• no rejections
• no extra effort
• pleasure
• a team running like clock work
• knowing I have helped make it happen
• teaching new ways of dealing with our issues and succeeding
• being able to implement my dreams
• following through
• feeling powerful and action oriented
  

Four new actions

I should be coming up with four actions I have been putting off, together with pain I expect(ed) to be associated with them - ie, reason for NOT doing them so far.

Candidates:

• weight lifting (so I'm toned)
• calling abo and isha
• cooking vegetables in more interesting ways for my kids
• introducing scrum/agile properly to my team
  

Did it! My first two actions

• Created the blog
• Changed that badly scheduled lunch

This means that so far, I'm am so on the ball for this Personal Power thing. Just started on Tony Robbins's program, and I'm determined to be still me in 30 days, but a far more fabulously successful, happy, healthy and sans saddle bags. Definitely not too much to ask :)