Meanwhile, back at the ranch

Another month has gone by, and I seem to have learned - this time only. Bit like Windows Plug and Play nightmare "Search for driver this time only". Anyway, I digress.

I learned to channel anger directly into the direction I wanted to go. This time, this time only, it seems to have worked. Yes, everything here is peppered with "seems" and "appears", as I have yet to totally master the "map is not the territory" in a convincing way. Again, I digress.

So, in it went into the "I want" channel, and out of the "I'm so mad and helpless" channel. And came out the other side with exactly what I asked for.

I had what I like to think was an assertive, calm and reasonable discussion, but was more likely seething and slighly incoherent. But, hey, since all is well that ends well, I guess it did go well. Two hours later, the source of my torture was removed, and the rest of my (short) wish list fulfilled.

And to think I was once in counselling to learn to deal with others' anger .... to acknowledge degrees of anger, and to learn to not fear it as a permanent state of rejection. Hmmm.

Yup - need a weekend.

Anger as a solution to cognitive dissonance

Cognitive dissonance: the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

So this is what I have been suffering from: one thought is the relative goodness of the persons I associate with every day - whether by choice for pleasure, or by simply being part of my professional ecosystem. The other thought is that these persons with whom I associate are, in fact, evil.

I am reminded of the cases where hostages have grown attached to their kidnapper and torturer. The thought that I have actually become not only attached, but defensive of my kidnapper has suddenly stirred me into red hot anger. How could I have let this happen??

My only viable excuse is this: just like an animal would jump away from hot water or fire, yet the same animal stays put on a surface that is being gradually heated without jumping, I too have grown accustomed to the constant, low-key psychological abuse until I have become a timid, scared, insecure mess.

No more. I am seriously pissed off.

Write it down

The power of goal setting is only as powerful as your focus. Writing it down makes sure you are focusing on it.

For me, being blessed with a photographic memory means I must see it in print. So it's even more of an added bonus to get it written down. Then add the "movie" to it - you know, the one where you have achieved the thing you wanted, and are basking in the glory of having it / living it / loving it.

I'm almost there - there I am, walking into my new, bright office (from tons of natural light). I am happy to be there, really looking forward to going into work. My team is there, motivated, energetic, full of sick sense of humour and ready to laugh at the drop of a hat. We huddle, talk about our latest pain-in-the-xxx customer, decide on a plan and approach, and off we go.

I finish a productive, rewarding day - recognition from my management, my colleagues and team is evident in their smiles and comments. I get into my car, which has been parked in its designated space underground. I get home in time to share a late lunch/afternoon snack with the kids, and get to hang out with them. While they are busy with their activities, I pursue my writing dream.

When DH gets home, I'm happy and ready to see him - not the perfect wife, but certainly not a stressed out.

Hit it!!

Ok, so it took a little longer than one week - actually, it took 10 days to drop 1.9 kg. Not bad.

The idea of eating properly, tiny portions, often, tons of water, and waiting for 30 minutes before deciding I need to eat more is really working. The whole thing about the brain needing 20 minutes to figure out the stomach is full really is true.

So I have a good, slow-carb breakfast (takes care of carb cravings - I know it's only as far as the next breakfast), drink lots and lots of green tea and water, eat a veg heavy lunch - again, small portion, and drink tons of water right after it, then wait. Around 3 pm is the hardest - when the lure of doughnuts is just so hard to resist. I have a diet soda stashed away when the craving gets too strong. It's sweet, fills me up, and gets me over the hump.

This way, by the end of the week I've usually dropped at least 1 to 1.5 kg - especially since I'm also sticking to at least 30 minutes of cardio every weekday, plus two sessions of weight training on the last two work days. Then .....

IT'S THE WEEKEND!!

Which means: I don't exercise - may be go for a gentle walk or a run, but it's not a must. I eat what I want. ALL that I want (I once went through a dozen doughnuts, but still went back to the end of week weight). I guess this thing about resetting your metabolism once a week really works - because when I go back to the week day regime, my weight keeps dropping. Yay.

Foggy exterior, clear interior

The weather is foggy, my head is foggy from an on-coming bout of head cold, but inside, all is clear as a bell.

Foggy weather feels like new beginnings, a promise of things to come and all things excitingly unknown. Complacency has no place in my world today.

Achievement is always highest when determination outweighs the odds. Determination is totally, entirely self-determined - what a concept. Just like the novel thought that we are responsible for absolutely everything that happens to us. Yes, we are. Stop the denial, and get busy designing and living the life of dreams.

Each dawn brings new resolve

Life changing moments should not be the only ones that cause re-examining and soul searching. Why should those moments - whilst waiting for test results or after a particularly bitter conflict with a co-worker / partner / friend - be the only triggers to decide to change our lives?

Why not make every morning a New Year's Day and resolve to live, as Oprah puts it, your best life?

So I hereby resolve :) to look at problems afresh each morning. That will be the new habit to cultivate.

Update on the other habit: day 9 of exercising each day. Not bad. According to my highly unreliable scale, I lost 3 grams of fat in the last 24 hours ... hey, baby steps :)

Why wait?

I heard a wonderful thing during my run this morning: remember how we say 'one day we will look back on this and have a good laugh'?. Well, why wait for 'one day' ... why not look back and laugh now?

What a powerful concept. I will laughing a lot today :)